He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
