I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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