Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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