I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
