he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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