I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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