She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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