At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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