My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
