You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
