No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You are the jesus of drinking
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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