My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
