Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
