Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box

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(601): View more from Mississippi

How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?

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(813): View more from Florida

It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.

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