just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
