Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
