I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
