Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
