I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
