no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
