I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
