I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
