It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
