Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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