What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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