he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
