I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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