I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
