I faked an abortion last night.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
