I can tuck mytits in my pants
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
