i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
