I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
