even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
