woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
