dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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