Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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