I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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