At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
