Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
