i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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