I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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