Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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