if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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