Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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