phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
