so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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