she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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