We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
