Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
