I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
