Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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