Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
