I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
