weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
