Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
