i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
