Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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