Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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