Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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