my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
