Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Someone came in the potted fern
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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